How to cope with Miley Cyrus

How should Western civilisation respond to Miley Cyrus and her conversion to twerking? For the right answer, we must consider the case of Peter Bruinvels.

Nothing is more predictable than a former teen starlet opting to find validation and maturity by being all sexy and that, but every year, that means being just a little bit more cringey than whoever caused OUTRAGE! Last year. However nothing that has been said in the last 72 hours about that performance at the VMAs, will upset anyone in Camp Cyrus, because the worst thing that could have happened was that no-one anywhere gave a monkey’s about it. What happened in that Superbowl half time break a few years ago? Today, people still debate Nipplegate. Britney Spears and her python? And her baldy haircut incident (could have been one of two). In each display of exhibitionism, the protagonists and their entourages are all laughing because opprobrium never sticks and what matters more is that we all talk about them ad infinitum. Remember, there was once a saying that there is no such thing as bad publicity. Wrong, generally.

Anyway, Peter Bruinvels.

In the 1980s, British political parties ceased to function properly, except one. In 1983 The Connards had an indecently large number of MPs, presenting them with some quality issues. The big bad cabinet ministers were all bastards, but they were excellent, top-quality bastards who you genuinely would have crossed the road to punch rather than debate with. Keith Joseph, Norman Tebbit, Nicholas Ridley, Kenneth Baker – just four of a seemingly infinite list. You couldn’t have punched them all, because you’d have damaged your hands, but you’d have happily worked overtime in order to hire Mike Tyson to re-arrange their detestable fizzogs. However further down the pecking order existed chinless chimpy Connards, who became what we came to know as ‘rent-a-quote MPs’, popping up enthusiastically with nauseating regularity, spewing excrement that they thought people wanted to hear, that they believed would make them popular. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Peter Bruinvels.

Being a resident of the constituency of Leicester East at the time of his election, I remember the incumbent MP and the genuine shame that he represented my area. I needn’t have worried. His perpetual quote-flinging won him no fans, and he was so awful that in 1987, when the Connards still managed to win a landslide, he was one of their very few casualties. He was never an MP again.

In summary, he desperately tried to attract attention. No-one cared. He went away.

So if you see Miley Cyrus any time soon, ask her “Do you think we’ll invade Syria, and do you think Rooney should join Chelsea? Do perceive a sustainable economic recovery anywhere in the Western nations, and does North Korea present any real threat?” Just don’t even mention the twerking, If this strategy succeeds, apply the same rules to:

Katie Hopkins
John Gaunt
Louis Walsh
Louise Mensch
…and others. (Links deliberately avoided)

For all these people, no news is bad news, and we can get on with the business of talking about people and things and stuff that matters, minus the clutter of life’s detritus. Let us go about the business of failing to acknowledge life’s posturing vacuums, so that in time they may have the decency to “do a Bruinvels” and for those of a certain age, let “Miley” only be associated with the word “Smiley”.


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